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Feb 18, 2019


"Tell Me What You Really Want"

Dr. Lehmiller and I discuss his latest book which studied the sexual fantasies of over 4,000 Americans. In it we learn that almost everyone has had fantasies of group sex, threesomes, orgies, bondage, S&M, or dominant / submissive behavior. What we once thought as wild and crazy is actually perfectly normal!

We discuss how to conduct a large scale study, the state of sex science in America, plus of course, everyone's sexual fantasies. 

You can find Dr. Miller's work at

See below for detailed show notes:


Educating Sex Educators

Why don’t people want to study sexuality?

Is sexuality a science?

Why sex study stigmatizing?

What is the Kinsey Institute?

Reducing shame around “normal”

Justin’s book “Tell Me What You Want”

How to conduct a national survey?

Why do people want to talk about our sex fantasies?

What is a sex fantasies?

Fantasy versus Desire

Do fantasies change with age?

Freud and sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies as pathological

Fantasies labelled paraphilia

What is a healthy sexual fantasy?

A model for healthy sexual behaviors

What are the most common fantasies?

Group Sex, threesomes, orgies - 90%!

BDSM Fantasies -nearly 90% of Americans

Dominance / submission

Power dynamics - 80%+

What is BDSM? (not what you think!)

What causes people to be interested power dynamics?

The most erotic thing you can do is be “present”

Sexual mindfulness

Quit racing towards orgasm

Tantra, Sex Yoga, Mindfulness

How to decrease sexual anxiety

Novelty, adventure, variety

Coolidge Effect

Pornography, masturbation, and novelty

Porn escalation effect

Porn as infidelity

Sexual disfunction and pornography

Is an orgasm just an orgasm? Or does context matter?

Does acting out a fantasy change fantasies?

Conservative vs liberal sexual fantasies?

Do social constructs influence urges and fantasies?

Do Democrats masturbate to wearing an apron and cooking?

Sexual orientation vs sexual flexibility?

What is sexual flexibility?

Are women from sexually flexible? (yes)

Women’s fantasies are varied and diverse

How do you make sex fantasies happen?

Vulnerability and communication unlock sexual fantasies

Abstinence only sex education

Talking about sex can lead to fewer abortions